Coming to an end.

Another summer, another loss. And i know we lose and gain. but recently and all too often i feel like the loss is outweighing everything else. As of right now, i can't feel. I don't have emotion. But sometimes i want to feel something. I want to let myself grieve. To be hurt. But people's expectations and judgments always seem to fuck that up. So i sit here and think.. another year, graduation, and then it's just the end of the beginning. Then i'm just starting to live. And i feel guilty because of that. because of the fact i take everything for granted. because i am selfish. because i am here.. i'm so sorry. i'm so fucking sorry you're not here. If i could turn the tables around and give you life, i would do it in a split second. if i could have given you your wedding. or given you a kid. or even just a few extra years.. i would. But i am completey helpless, and i am told to accept this. to move on. to move on past the fact that you have left us. and i won't. i can't. death is with me forever. and the pain and emptiness never subsides.