Looking through a mirror of pain. Searching behind a window with hopeless eyes. All that is seen isn't what has been seen. All that is known has been a lie. Is there a right direction? Is there a point past no end? Life is about seconds. Tiny inconsequential seconds. Ironic isn't it? Sometimes the things held the closest to us are the least important. Imagine the desert.. suffocating life as the sun rises, while at the same time showing if only for some time a glimpse of peace, a glimpse of sky. That is how people are. Impossible to like. But hard not to love. There really are no answers.. just time that keeps the clock ticking.

When do we lose sight of all things important?

Visions of who I'm supposed to be or what I'm supposed to do cloud my judgement. Why is it that we are always looking for a way out? When we haven't even found our way in. It's the fear that stops us. It's the fear that we all fear. Sometimes I just want to step back and shake myself..to snap myself out of my fear-infested worries. I want to be able to commit. I want to know the brave and bold love. The kind that breaks you away from your own reality, if only for a second. I want to be the impossible. I want to be that overwhelming feeling you get when life flashes right before your eyes. I want to be the times that are changing. I want to be it all. And yet I am here.. I am all that I am. Maybe that's all I need. "Drinking is an emotional thing. It joggles you out of the standardism of everyday life, out of everything being the same. It yanks you out of your body and your mind and throws you against the wall. I have the feeling that drinking is a form of suicide where you're allowed to return to life and begin all over the next day. It's like killing yourself, and then you're reborn. I guess I've lived about ten or fifteen thousand lives now."

The Season

There is just something about the holidays.. very bittersweet. I am SO thankful for all that I have and for who I have, but it makes me miss the ones I've lost. It makes me long for them more. I know they wouldn't want this, though, so I've decided to be happy and thankful and drunk this holiday season. That's all you can do.. Here (to anyone reading) is something to think about... james frey once said about life: "It is not complicated unless I make it so. It is not difficult unless I allow it to be. A second is no more than a second, a minute no more than a minute, a day no more than a day. They pass. All things and all time will pass. Don't force or fear, don't control or lose control. Don't fight and don't stop fighting. Embrace and endure. If you embrace, you will endure."

Monday night..

I saw this homeless man walking when I was getting off work. I was having a bad night, of course. He ended up crossing my path and he stopped. He looked at me and said how are you doing tonight miss? I replied i'm okay, just okay. I looked at him and asked how he was? He looked at me with this huge smile and said i'm good.. i'm always good.. i'm good knowing i have another day to live. Then he walked away. And i don't know why it affected me so much, but it did. I mean i was standing there wallowing in my self pity, knowing that i have the world at my feet.. while he is roaming the streets without a dime to spare, but he is happy.. he is genuinely happy. That takes courage and a different kind of power.. that i truly hope i know one day.

"People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that's bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they're afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they're wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It's all in how you carry it. That's what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you're letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain."

Cycles.

We live in a world based on dependency. Struggling day by day we are suffocated. How can we desecrate our own core? The very basis that makes up who we are. Demolishing the structure that gave us our creativity. Killing the parts of us that we never knew we needed. We are weak. Until now... Now we can be aware of our consciousness. Building up the fundamentals that are vital for any one of us to just BE. Such as; being able to realize that education can stifle us if we let it, being able to execute proficiency in all that we do, and ultimately being able to differentiate between a lie and the truth. Sometimes we can be misconstrued. Believing that false impressions are the right impressions. Instead of taking the easy way out... take the long road home. Roll down your windows, breathe in the crisp night air, and understand that every now and then those trivial, little things can save your life.