Out there.

I'm on the pursuit of finding something, anything even, to trust myself. I feel like i've been sleeping my whole life, and i need to wake up. To establish a constant alarm in my mind, that will go off any time i'm falling. incapably, falling into a darkness that i won't be able to step out of. When i lose myself, i lose the knowledge of loss. It has no meaning, no consequential reasoning behind it. I've been lingering all too much in my own perception of things. Letting my mind turn my thoughts into foolishness and selfishness. My ways have become..almost practiced, thought out. It seems i have reached the end of the road, where my position no longer stands. My feelings no longer matter. And my words no longer thought out. And yet submissively i back away. i turn with great swiftness to end up being abruptly stopped in my own movements. to be told that all i do is wrong. that all i am capable of is nothing. I've been running. Running away from myself. And doing anything to accomplish this. For hope that there is a better chance at the finish line. That maybe my final judgements could be failure, disappointment, and forsaken helplessness. But for some reason, i'm not afraid. I've been familiarized all too much with detriment and defeat. But i have to let life run it's course. i still will continually question and wonder and hope. But i do realize now, that death is just the beginning. It's just the start of something new.