Waiting to be found.

I know some people have said that i've changed. And to be honest its hard to know how to reply to this. All i can say is that i'm stuck. That the marianne you used to know won't be coming back. Because i'll do anything to push away the pain. even if it means i lose apart of myself on the way. i will not let myself be weak no matter what i feel. No matter what anyone does. i can't let anything affect me. Not words or actions, nothing. And as for loving somebody? well i've learned from that. won't happen again. because i once let someone in, knowing i was afraid of commitment, letting my emotions get the better of me. i think the part that kills me the most is that i didn't matter anymore. i just didn't. as you all know, didn't end well did it? things change, people change. and they move on without you. one minute a person could be in your life and the next they're gone. And i don't mean only for relationships, i mean for death as well. Deep within i'm not okay. i'm not over it. i'm not over any of the shitty things that happened to me this past month or these past months. i know i seem happy, but i'm not. How could i possibly be? no one really understands that. things are forgotten. i'm forgotten.. that's the way it is. i'm lost in myself.