I'm scared. I'm terrified that i will be this bitter forever. That i will never be able to feel how i once felt only months ago. I don't know how to be anymore. I could have something so good, and i'm pushing it away. Once anyone gets too close i have to let them go. For the sake of me and for the sake of not getting hurt again. I can't trust, i can't feel. This numbness won't subside and i've been stuck. I'm trying really hard to pull myself out. I keep saying just try harder, you'll get there. But it always leads to the same ending. I end up where i started off. Lost and alone. I'm not okay and i just want to be able to say that i am. To say that i can move past all of the things that have happened. But i feel so weak. I'm looking for some amount of strength, to be better, to be me again. It's seems pointless. because i don't think anyone really cares. i don't blame them though. i'm all over the place. i can't come to any understanding about any of this. it doesn't make sense. my life doesn't make sense. and i keep losing all the people who were once closest to me. i'm losing them because i'm supposedly fucking up. its truly sad because this is when i need them the most. this is when i need them to tell me things can get better. to just BE HERE for me. but they have distanced themselves and i've accepted it. accepted that this is just how things are going to be for me. that maybe in time i can continue on. but for now. this is all i have. and the only person i really have is me.