i'm trying. i really am, but it seems like it's not getting me anywhere whatsoever. i've felt so betrayed and pretty damn stupid lately. i'm willing to take it though. this is life, what do you expect right? things can't be perfect. this friendship is drifting farther and farther apart, and no matter how badly i think you fucked up..i still want you in my life. but it takes two, and i think i'm the only one. i guess, one word to describe me at this moment in my life is, lost. i can't find my way. yes, i know i need to. i just can't. i'm scared of seeing you again and i'm scared of giving in. i just feel so blah. and like janie i am getting so sick of everyone, even the people close to me. i'm not trying to push anyone away, but i think thats exactly what i'm doing. god, i'm so damn scared. of letting you in all the way. of falling for you completely. and of trusting you again. i keep thinking of the worst, not just with him but with everything. things just feel so complicated, maybe i'm making them complicated. who knows? i feel like at any second i'm going to explode and everything that i've been feeling these past weeks, from anger to sadness to every other emotion, will come streaming out of me. i refuse to feel or be weak. and i won't. i keep realizing more and more imperfections that i have. and it's nagging at me that i can't be perfect. yeah, yeah i know that no one is perfect. but as some say i am a perfectionist. i expect so much out of myself. i have to achieve greatness and become someone better than i already am. no one is putting pressure on me but myself. i feel like such a stupid girl for complaining about all this shit, when sooo many other's have it much much worse than me. i'm so selfish. i just keep putting myself down and it's not getting me anywhere. ughhh. i'm gonna sleep.